Over the last five years it seems like every few months I’ve had to start over. It’s been exhausting but it’s been cleansing in a sense because it’s all lead to what this next year will bring for me.
A lot of you know the last few years in themselves have been a new beginning for me. I’ve learned and grown SO much. Three and a half years of therapy, moving across state lines (TWICE!), finding my voice, USING my voice and learning how to protect my heart and soul. Every second of this journey has been so precious to me. I’ve had times when I’ve fallen on my ass, sure, but I got my ass back up and kept going. These last few years I haven’t stopped. I haven’t given up.
Leaving Texas, getting on that plane, was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But I did it and I didn’t look back. Looking back now I see how brave that was. I was shaking, but I did it.
These last few years have had their up moments too and there are dozens of moments that stick out in my mind as amazing and positive. Some moments started as humiliating and ended with words I repeat to myself when I need a boost.
Getting to see Kesha, hearing Praying live (and bawling my fucking eyes out the whole time), meeting so many people, making so many GOOD positive friends who build me up and do their best to not let me hit the ground, then pick me up when I do because I AM hard headed and I know it, has been the most amazing thing ever. I though I had good friends before, but no, the friends I have now can’t even compare to my old friends. I truly DO have people around me that do not let me crash but will always put their foot down when I need it too.
Having a partner who is unconditionally supportive, even when my mind is bouncing from a million different things at the same time. Someone who during one of the worst days of my entire life was there for me and someone who fought so hard to get me what and where I needed to be to make sure I was truly okay. Someone who knows sometimes I just have to cry and there’s nothing that can be done, sometimes I laugh when I’m freaking out and sometimes I don’t know what’s wrong. It’s all been a new experience for me.
When I quit working on my last fiction project, my heart shattered. Not just for the loss of the project, even though my heart wasn’t in it by that point, but for the loss of friendship too. I couldn’t imagine myself working on fiction again. Writing is my soul, it’s truly what I love underneath all of the other bullshit in life. It’s something I’ve wanted to pursue professionally, but I’m not naive enough to think being disabled wouldn’t affect that career choice and to be honest it scared me. Rejection is something I think a lot of people fear, and it’s no different for me. Especially with something SO much a part of who I am as writing is.
But over the last year and a half something shifted in my brain. I decided I don’t care what people think anymore. Writing is what I love, it’s who I am and I’m going to make it who I was meant to be.
So over the last week I’ve begun writing a new fiction series. This time it’s completely mine. I won’t compromise who I am to promote it. I’m an advocate and that’s going always be a part of my online presence. I’m not watering down that aspect, or any other aspect, of my life. If it takes off, great, if not that’s fine too. I’m writing now because I love it, not because I have to. I’m going to do this my way and let the chips fall where they may.
Hopefully my first book will be released by the end of 2020. My plan at this point is to do every detail myself, but that may change. As I said, let the chips fall where they may. I already have a few friends beta reading for me and so far they love what I’m doing. Four chapters down and no idea how many to go, but I’ll get there one chip at a time.